Have you ever stood on a stage after months of rehearsing and suddenly realise you have forgotten everything you learnt? Have you ever been in the middle of a presentation and completely forgotten what topic you were talking about? Have you ever been giving a toast at a big family affair and the words have literally got stuck in your throat?
No?
Well, neither had I! Until last night! Never in my life have I experience stage fright. Not through all my days of big school musical productions, piano exams, dance recitals and Christmas carol concerts have I blanked. Nervous, yes.... shaking, feeling sick, slightly hyperventilating, sure..... but never ever ever had I felt like this!
Last night was my second social dance since I started ballroom dancing in 2014. I was looking forward it after last weeks brilliant time but nervous as I knew that this venue was bigger and there were going to be semi-pros attending. I would say my nerves were fairly valid. The hall was about twice the size of Reigate, with double the amount of people in it and most of them were incredibly talented dancers. They had stage presence and armography and serious levels of skill!
And.... all the steps I have been putting together into routines just vanished from my head. Completely gone! Now, when I'm stressed and putting myself under unnecessary amounts of stress, I become obsessed and worry about stupidly small insignificant details. Last night, that obsession became the length of my dress. Whilst being completely decent and all covering, I became fixated on the idea that I might be flashing the entire room every time I span round in the Latin dances. This in turn, distracted my mind even more, and made me forget even more of my steps!
I manage to stagger through a Waltz and a Quickstep without too much fuss but when it came to the first cha-cha of the night.... I literally couldn't dance! My feet wouldn't go in the right direction, I couldn't read Mr. R's lead and this all culminated in me leaving him on the dance floor (much to his dislike) before I broke down in public! Luckily, the wonderful Belinda came to my aid and settled my nerves but even so I was not enjoying myself - I was getting more and more 'het up' about the fact that I couldn't remember one, tiny, single step!
I just didn't want to dance and it nearly got tot the point where I called my Dad to come and get me early. My inner perfectionist was berating me endlessly and was making sure that I was reliving every horrible fumble at ever possible second driving my mood and my confidence through the floor! I was genuinely about to can it all in when Mr. R pretty much came to my rescue. A very basic Waltz and then a cha-cha later and it all came back. According to Mr. R, I wasn't allowed to go home until I'd done it properly. And I did. It only took me 2 hours to get to a place where I was confident enough to dance properly, but I got there in the end. Largely to the fact the Mr. R was patient enough with my atrocious dancing to pull me out of my little funk that was going on!
Hopefully, next month won't be so down right humiliating..... or irritating for the rest of the party who go with me!
There are a few lessons I have learnt from last night:
1) Don't put pressure on yourself that you cannot live up to. I could not expect myself to dance like the semi-pros who were there after only 7 months of training. It was completely unrealistic.
2) Don't leave the party in a bad mood. I was really glad that Mr R forced me to work through it, otherwise I would have gone home in a really foul mood and probably not wanted to dance for a while.
3) Be thankful for good friends who don't let you doubt yourself and push you past your point of breaking.
This blog is dedicated to Belinda and Mr. R for being there last night!
Check in with you all soon.
M xx
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